By Jan Lambert

I was a horse-crazy child, who longed for a horse, prayed for a horse, dreamed of horses. Although we lived on a farm, there were no horses. The farm belonged to my paternal grandparents, who told me that my mother would not let me have a horse. She told me it was my grandparents' fault.

You can't keep a horsewoman off her steed. I rode sheep until I outgrew them. Then I rode calves. When they matured and had to join the dairy herd, I started on the next generation. When I was thirteen, my parents moved off the farm and into town. There, I befriended every horse I could get close to, but could see no way of getting one of my own.

Then, the summer I was fifteen, my maternal grandmother took a sister and me, alternating weeks, to help with taking care of my great-grandfather. One evening, a jovial friend of hers joined us for dinner. He told horse stories about his ranching days. I was fascinated. Then I was delighted when he said he had some horses and would I like to go to his place after dinner and ride one of his horses. (Would I? OH YES!)

Warren picked me up every evening after dinner to take me riding. Not long after that, my grandmother decided to hire one full-time live-in girl to do the work. I spent the rest of that summer, and every day for the next two years riding, training, and showing horses with Warren. I must have ridden a hundred horses over that time period. I joined his riding club and went to trail rides, weekly play-days, and local horse shows. I joined a 4-H horse club. I would have lived at his place if I could have, just to be near the horses all night, too. My heart was full, my spirit was at peace.

It only lasted those three years. My parents divorced. The parent who got custody of me moved to another town, one-hundred-fifty miles away, but before we left, Warren gave me another gift: a beautiful bay Quarter Horse mare that I had trained and showed, and even won ribbons and a Grand Champion trophy with! He could have kept her and sold her for a lot of money, considering her show record, but he recognized that this horse and I had a special bond of affection between us, and he honored that with his gift.

We were only parted twice in our lives. Both times were when I was married. It seems odd to me now, but my visions of being married somehow did not include horses: just a husband and children. So with my first marriage, I spent three years in another state, leaving my horse back "home." (With my second marriage, I moved hundreds of miles away, and didn't see my horses for eight months.)

It took a suicide attempt for me to realize that I was in an intolerable situation and I had to leave. I went "home" to my horse! Got a job, started riding again, even though by that time I had a three-year-old son. He learned to stay out of trouble while his Mom had an hour with her horse. When he was a little bigger, we rode double so he could go with me. Then, my horse had a foal, and when I got her raised and trained we each had a horse to ride.

Our second separation was, again, because of a marriage and a move. And we were reunited because of my second suicide attempt. We were poor University students, but I quit school, got a job, and went back and got my horses. Not long after, I filed for divorce again.

I see now that the Law of Perpetual Transmutation was always in effect in my life. I saw my life with a horse, so when the time was right, my life attracted a horse. When I had a child, my life attracted another horse, so we could ride together. But when I wanted a husband, I did not see horses in my life, so my life with a husband was, tragically, horseless for the most part; until I became so depressed I started to kill myself.

My lesson was to look inside myself, to recognize what it is that I truly need, and to honor that. I need a horse in my life. It's built into me, the way some people drive race cars, some fly jets, and some knit, or quilt, or paint. I have them in my Life Goal Statement so they are there for me. The Law of Perpetual Transmutation will help me see to it.

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